I just had to write this

I was feeling lost about what to write as I try to get back in the swing of things after last week.  Then I realized I just need to share some of what last week was like for me in order to clear my head and move forward.  It’s a crazy time of year for most of us and for my family it’s no different aside from the fact that seven years ago in the span of four days we celebrated birthdays, mourned a death, and sat together at a Thanksgiving table.  Those days seven years ago are really just a blur.  I have some clear memories, but some are more difficult to remember.  Unfortunately, I mostly remember the sad memories more than I do the good ones because a death just does that.  It outweighs everything going around you, much like the birth of a child, only the outcome is so very different.  I wanted to write last week each day how I was feeling and the range of stuff going through my mind, but instead I just stayed busy and focused on tasks that had to be done.   The further I get away from the day my Dad died, the easier it is to celebrate his life rather than be sad that he isn’t here with us.  Don’t get me wrong.  I still cry that he’s not here.  I still wish that my kids had their Grampy and no matter how much I initially wanted to stomp my feet and throw a two-year-old tantrum, I knew nothing was going to bring him back.  Brain tumors are bastards and they usually win, no matter how much you fight and battle with them.  They win.  They take the strongest person you ever knew and turn him into the person who needs day-to-day care until he gradually withers away before your eyes and ultimately takes his last breath.  That part I remember so very clearly. 
That anniversary loomed heavily on me last week.  The day on the calendar was creeping up and I tried to ignore it and focus on the good stuff of the week.  The really great stuff.  And there was plenty of that, like:
celebrating a birthday together with Cody (my new 16 year old), eating the cake that Paul and Nicholas made especially for me, and the cupcakes I lovingly made for Cody, and enjoying Cody’s most favorite meal for dinner.  As a family.  Oh, and there was Thanksgiving Day.  Aside from the fact that my husband was missing at the table due to an eleven hour work day (yes, it’s a sore subject, but we won’t focus on that), my boys and I traveled to the home of my Aunt and Uncle and spent time with some of my family.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandmother.  It was wonderful to talk and laugh and sit at a beautiful table and eat a wonderful meal together.  Those are really terrific memories. 
Friday was the anniversary and I have to say I hate that word when referring to the loss of someone that I love.  For me, an anniversary implies joy and celebration and I don’t necessarily feel those emotions when I think of losing such an important person in my life.  We have moved more in that direction, though, and I like that feeling.  The feeling that I can talk about him without crying every single time and we can share stories and look at pictures and remember all the wonderful times we had together.  I’m thankful for those times and so many other things, too. 
Some of what I’m truly grateful for:

  • My wonderful husband – he makes me laugh and was the truly the best support I could ask for as I lost my Dad.
  • Cody and Nicholas – they are my reason for putting one foot in front of the other every single day.
  • My Aunt and Uncle – for opening their home to us on the holiday(s) and for so much more.  They are truly two of the biggest blessings in my life.
  • All of the wonderful friends I have made online.  It is such a good feeling to know that no matter what,  there’s a big and awesome community of people I can count on.  Such a really great feeling.
  • I’m grateful for my health and the health of my family.  None of us should ever take that for granted.
  • My two dogs who are snoozing beside me right now.  They give me so many headaches, but also the most unconditional love.

Thank you for bearing with me on this post.  Please leave a comment with something that you’re grateful for so I can come back and read it and smile.

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